Alone and Arfraid
by BlueBella1966
Summary: Edward is abandoned as a newborn, follow his life as he adjusts and eventually uses his past to help others. I do not own the characters, this is a fan fiction and no copyright infringement is intended.
1. Chapter 1

All things Twilight are not mine - Thank you to the author, cast, crew and all involved in providing such wonderful fodder for Fan Fiction.

**September 1918**

Edward Anthony Masen lay in his hospital bed, dieing of Spanish Influenza. He was barely conscious for a few minutes at a time, the remainder of his days were lost to restless sleep or delusions brought on by the disease that ravaged his body.

Some part of his mind was aware that his parents had died in recent days, though exactly how many days ago that had been were lost in his delirium. Edward felt as if her were flying then, to his mind, he landed in a new, better hospital bed.

Voices faded in from the background though Edward had no idea who the voices belonged to or even if they were real or more delusions.

"_I doubt this one will survive Carlisle, he is far too weak to endure the change."_

"_I know Aro but, I have to try. I promised his mother I would do all I could to save him." _

"_Yes, I do believe this one is worth the effort. Should he survive I will be anxious to meet him."_

"_You shall old friend, as soon as he is stable enough to travel among humans." _

"_Very well. For your sake I do hope he survives, though the few that others have attempted to save from this pandemic have either perished during the change or, as the one I must destroy this evening, have not been able to free their minds of the delirium. Be prepared to destroy him my friend." _

Suddenly Edward felt a sharp pain in his throat and dismissed it to the effects of the influenza before drifting once again into unconsciousness. The fever seemed to get worse, as if it were literally boiling him alive from the inside. Edward screamed, pleaded for relief, death, anything to end the torture but nothing happened, only more searing pain then, more suddenly than it had begun, it stopped.

Edward lay quietly, his mind clear and acutely aware of both himself and his surroundings. Everything looked, felt, smelled and even seemed to taste new, vibrant, more alive than anything he had ever known. Cautiously Edward sat up and scanned the small cabin for signs of life to find he was alone and there was a note attached to the sheet that covered him. He rips the note loose and reads it.

Edward,

You may remember me, Dr. Carlisle Cullen from the hospital. I assume you are aware that both of your parents are dead and, are wondering where you are and why. On the bedside table, you will find a folder which contains all of the information and documents you will need. I implore you to read this before leaving the cabin you are currently occupying.

I had hoped to be here when you awoke but, I find I cannot watch the pain I have caused you, nor do I have the heart to destroy you should your mind be forever lost in the delirium of the fever. I know now that what I have done to honor you mother's last request was a mistake, a gross error in judgment on my part. Weak as it may be, I cannot face you Edward. Please read the folder, take the documents I have provided and, try to enjoy what life I have left you with.

Carlisle Cullen -

Edward found the folder, read the letter Carlisle had left, explaining that he was a vampire and all that entailed then, put the ID and other necessary items in the wallet which had been in the folder. He found the clothes hanging in the bathroom, bathed in cold water and dressed before turning to the mirror.

Edward roared in horror, he had intended on screaming but, being a vampire, that translated to roaring. He spun away from the glowing red eyes that stared back at him.

_**NO! Mother why?! Why did you wish me to be a monster?! Why would any decent doctor honor such a request?! If I ever find him again I will kill him! Mother, you couldn't have known, you were as delusional as I was but HE thought you knew, thought you wanted me to be a monster! Damn me to hell will he?! I'll Show him just how perfect a monster I am!**_

Edward ran from the cabin and, half an hour later sat, screaming and cursing himself for killing a deer. Finally he retreated to the cabin and took another bath. Edward then washed the blood out of the only shirt he had and hung it on the door to dry.

He looked around the cabin and found there was nothing to offer ant entertainment or distraction, only a bed which was now useless, a bath tub, wash basin, one small end table, and a mirror. Practical and only the minimal things a person being changed into a vampire would need.

That night, Edward went into town, carefully avoiding humans, he found the house that had once been his home. It still had the quarantine sign on the door.

_**Quarantined, good no one will dare come near this place. Newspapers, skittish humans won't even pick them up from a death house. I hear their thoughts, that one that saw me thought I was a ghost. Convenient, now my house will be haunted as well as quarantined. **_

Edward picked up the newspapers and easily broke the lock on the back door then sat at the dining table to read the papers of the last two weeks.

_**My father died twelve days ago, the day Mom and I were hospitalized. She and I both died six days ago. Somehow it felt like more than just a few hours between her death and… of course, it takes a few days to become a vampire. **_

Edward read the papers, discovered the epidemic was bordering on becoming a pandemic and that, aside from that nothing much had changed. He cleaned the entire house, changed into his own clothes then sat to play the piano. He knew that even if someone did notice, they would assume the house was haunted or that some vagrant had broken in. Either would not be worth risking infection to investigate.

Once the pandemic was over, Edward managed to purchase the home under an assumed name. He had learned that he could go among humans as a blind man so long as he was careful and limited his time near them. His control was not good but, he did manage to conduct what business he needed to as well as purchase the things he needed.

Now comfortably settled in his home, Edward began a journal. He recorded every detail he could recall of his 17 years then carefully placed the journal in the safe of what used to be his father's office. Edward was debating taking a shower when the thoughts of someone approaching his house caused him to stop and listen to whomever it was.


	2. Chapter 2

"_I hope he does not hate me for what I did to him nor for abandoning him. That was probably more wrong than changing him. Perhaps he can forgive me and we can be at least friends, if not the surrogate father and son I imagine us becoming."_

_**Dr. Cullen, so he has come back after seven months. I will be civil though he will know I am displeased with his choices and actions. He was incredibly weak to abandon me as he did simply because he could not endure my suffering, which he caused.**_

Edward opened the door before Carlisle had the change to knock.

"Dr. Cullen, it is early and the sun is still high. Please step inside before one of the passing humans notices you." Edward greeted him formally.

"Thank you Edward and please, call me Carlisle."

Carlisle entered the house and Edward closed the door behind him then turned to face him and awaited the apology he knew was forthcoming.

" Edward, I must apologize for my lack of judgment and unwillingness to face what I have done to you." _And for my weakness in abandoning you. You do seem to be doing well, I wonder how he managed to legitimatize this as his home._

"Yes, the first few months were incredibly difficult. I suppose I don't need to tell you how confusing it was nor how angry I am that you left me only a few words to explain this existence and my damnation. Though, as you can see, I have managed to purchase this home, under an assumed name; since you killed Edward Masen so nicely." Edward spoke in a subdued tone but, the venom in his words was not lost on Carlisle.

"You have every right to be angry with me." _Though I wish you weren't. _Carlisle replied in gentle understanding.

"Wish what you will. I am angry but, I am also a gentleman and I will not allow my anger to make this situation any more difficult than it already is." Edward was again calm and kept every trace of emotion from his voice and features.

_So, you can hear my thoughts. _Carlisle did not voice his comment.

"Yes, as well as everyone else's. Simply one more of the curses you left me with. Is it not enough that I am technically dead and therefore a soulless monster and that I must prey on living creatures to survive? Must I also hear the thoughts of every remotely intelligent being on this planet?

_Curse? Such things are gifts. I would relish the ability to hear the thoughts of those around me._

"You only say that because you lack my gift as you call it. I nearly went insane until I learned to block the more distant thoughts! I do owe you one thing though, you did at least inform me that I need not kill humans and for that I am grateful."

" So Edward, is there any chance that you will ever forgive me?" Carlisle spoke with genuine hope and concern.

"I forgave you as soon as I realized that hating you or what you did to me would not alter what has happened. I imagine you honestly believed my mother knew what she was asking you to do thought she was probably as delusional as I was at the time. Forgiving you was not too difficult."

_I debated that but, in that moment I also longed for a companion._

" A son you mean. Perhaps one day I will see you as a father figure but, now you are simply my creator and, perhaps could be a friend if I can let go of my anger toward you entirely." Edward spoke with sincerity and honesty.

"Edward, there is much I can teach you, things I should have stayed and taught you months ago." _Proper hunting, not soiling your clothing when you feed, how to hide the bodies and how to use your incredible looks and charm to lure humans or a mate if you so desire._

" I think it's a bit late for that. I have learned that much on my own, though I have no desire for a mate and charming a human would simply lead to their death - intentional or not." Edward was sarcastic, the idea of a monster making love with anything was ludicrous. " I will need to hunt tonight, if you wish you can accompany me and see if there is anything you can teach me."

The months and eventually years dragged on and, Edward did come to see Carlisle as a father of sorts. They moved first to Michigan where Esme joined the family, then Rochester where Rosalie was brought into the family.

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**September 1928**

"NO! I am not the least bit interested in bedding my SISTER! Despite your views Rosalie is my sister, nothing more!" Edward's voice trembled in anger.

"Edward darling, Your father changed her for you, now he's gone with her to chose a dress you will approve of. She would accept you as her mate and, you are perfectly matched." _Both beautiful and she is less than a year older physically, than you. _

"You know, I really don't care how ideal you think she is. Rosalie is a shallow, vain, self centered BITCH and by the way, she hates this life more than I do. Tell Carlisle I might see him in a few centuries - if he can lay of the match making by then!" Edward was furious, this was only the most recent of several attempts to push him at Rosalie.

"You can't just leave." Esme pleaded.

"I can, as Carlisle says, It has always been my choice - I chose human prey!" Edward spat his words at Esme and stomped out the door then ran as fast a he could.

_**So, I am alone again, not that Carlisle needs me now. He has his companions and his mate. I have no need of either nor do I see a reason for this constant starvation save that killing innocents will only further my damnation. **_

_**That even is not necessary, if I must live with the curse f hearing the minds of others then I can at least use that to insure no other woman faces the fate Rosalie was dealt. I will hunt and destroy those that would destroy countless lives were they to live out their wretched little lives.**_

Driven my rage and motivated by the love he did not want to feel for Rosalie, Edward made is way to Buffalo and began his new method of hunting, scanning the minds of humans for the vile rapist or murderer that would become his meal.

The first of these meals turned out to be a young, rather handsome and very drunk man who had plans to rape the woman he has encountered in the tavern he was now leaving. Edward casually leapt down from a rooftop just out of the man's sight then, dashed in front of him, seeming to appear from nowhere.

"Good evening. I might suggest you simply return to your motel room and not do what it is you intend with the woman you are waiting for this evening." Edward's voice was low and almost too polite but somehow menacing as well.

"You must have mistaken me for someone else. I have not met you before." The man answered calmly.

" No, I believe I know exactly who you are, Shawn Dorsey and, I believe you intend to have your way with the brunette from the tavern despite her wishes to the contrary." Edward was nearly chiding now.

"How… who are you and how do you know me?" The man was beginning to panic.

"Who or what I am is for you to decide but I will tell you that you will not rape that woman and you will not escape what you rightfully deserve tonight." Now Edward made no effort to disguise the immortal timbre in his voice.

_Avenging angel, God, Satan.. Oh God, He's going to kill me for the other three I've raped! RUN !_

The man barely thought to run before Edward seized him and snapped his neck deftly. Now working purely on instinct, Edward sank his teeth into the man's neck and greedily welcomed the sweet, rich, superbly satisfying blood. Too soon the crimson, life giving fluid was gone. Edward further mangled the body to make it seem the man had been stabbed repeatedly then left him behind a dumpster.

_**Had I known humans were that tantalizing and that satisfying, I would not have hunted animals for the last decade. I have also prevented several women from being raped, quite the good deed for a monster. No doubt my eyes will again be red, if not now, in a few weeks but, that is a small price to pay for such satisfaction. Perhaps I am more selfish than I thought, not that selfishness is bad when one has only themselves. I must walk this earth for all eternity, awake and alone, I may as well take what pleasure I can from it, I will make this world my own kind of heaven and, make it a safer place for innocents as well.**_

Detroit, Chicago, Los Angeles, Miami, Houston, Dallas, New Orleans, New York City, Saint Louis, Albuquerque and finally Phoenix all bore wrath self righteous vengeance of Edward Anthony Masen.

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**September 1931**

Once again Edward prowls the streets of yet another city, seeking his meal for the week. Phoenix is a large enough city that he can afford to be choosy and so he bypasses several would be criminals, in favor of finding a crime, preferably a rape already in progress. He knows it is more exciting to stop such predators in the act than to prevent them for acting out their dark desires. Then a hint of what may prove to be a meal came to his mind and he followed the thoughts of the woman.

_Why does he want to do this to me? I'm not even married, I wish he'd keep his filthy hands off me._

Much To Edward's surprise there were no male thoughts, only the woman's. Curious he approached and found that she was safely in her bedroom alone.

_Why me of all people? Now I'll have a child out of wedlock. I'll love the child of course but a Swan born like this is wrong. Now I'll have to raise the child alone. Damn him, why was I so foolish as to give in, he'd have married me if I hadn't allowed him THAT._

Edward realized it was simply the hurt thoughts of a woman who had allowed a man she cared for to have his way with her before they were wed. Unusual but not entirely unheard of in that day. So Edward continued prowling the city to no avail.

Five long nights Edward hunted, or tried to hunt, still there seemed to be no criminals in all of Phoenix that week. Finally, in desperation he headed north and soon found a small herd of elk. He took one of those to at least put his thirst a bay for another week.

_**Not so musky as I remember and it was nice not to hear the last anguished thoughts of my victim. Victim, yes, not prey VICTIMS is what I have been taking. Sentient, human lives. I have destroyed countless hopes, dreams and families and for what? Women still get raped every day, people get murdered and children get molested. **_

_**Who am I to think one vampire can make a difference any more than one human can? A selfish monster with a god complex. Like my victims, it isn't about right, wrong, good or evil, it's about power. Innocent or not, any human would give me that same sense of power yet I cannot kill innocents. **_

_**Animals is what I deserve, nothing better, only lowly animals. I am no more sentient than the lion when I hunt and would not a lion who fed on humans be destroyed? I should be destroyed but, that is not so easy and so from this day on, my penance will be to exist, feed on only animals and, make amends with the family who has never shown me anything but kindness. Perhaps Carlisle will allow me shelter with him or, if he cannot, then perhaps he will take mercy and destroy me.**_


	3. Chapter 3

Edward spent the next month hunting as many animals as possible and working his way toward Carlisle's home in Alaska. Finally he is there and immediately struck by yet another mind, a male vampire and a rather loud, slightly crude one at that. Edward pauses a moment to collect his nerve and approaches the door. Before he can knock, he finds himself catching Esme in his arms as she hugs him exuberantly.

"Edward, you've come to visit." _To stay I hope, I miss my oldest son._

"Yes Esme I have come to stay, if Carlisle will forgive me and allow me to remain with this family." Edward is relived and honestly apologetic.

"Carlisle will welcome you, he's hunting now but, he frequently hopes you will return." _Does Edward know how much Carlisle really missed him? _"Edward, meet Emmett, Rosalie's mate. He's been with us just two months."

"Good thing he's a vampire, I might kill a human that came up like that." Emmett's voice boomed, mirroring his thoughts exactly.

"A pleasure I'm sure." Edward answered as he offered a polite handshake.

As Esme had known, Carlisle welcomed Edward home all too easily. Over the next decades, Edward settled quietly into his life as a Cullen. Alice and Jasper joined them during their first stay in Forks, Washington during which time they brokered a treaty with the Quileute werewolves.

Carlisle and Esme noticed the difference in Edward more than the others. Over the decades, he had become increasingly solitary and sullen. 

Esme in particular speculated that Edward needed a mate but that he may have been changed too young or be homosexual or asexual. Edward thought that perhaps asexual was the answer; he certainly was not attracted to males in that way, nor females for that matter though he did admire a fine physique in either gender.

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**September 2005**

_**And so high school starts again. I understand pretending to be a teenager but, honestly, if they didn't need me for a lookout, I'd feign some dreadful condition and require home school. Again, we are the new, incredibly beautiful and slightly unusual students. No one comes too close, humans never realize why but they instinctively fear us and, rightfully so.**_

The first three weeks of the school year were the normal drudgery, and then the third week there was a new student. Rumor had it that she was an orphan and had just been shipped here, to a new foster home.

All morning Edward watched and tried the hear the new girl's mind to no avail. During lunch, she sat alone and didn't eat. Her clothes were obvious hand me downs and she had no book bag at all. Edward walked close to her and discovered just how enticing she was to him.

"Alice, the new girl is my singer. Do you see anything?" Edward whispered to his sister.

"No, one of you needs to decide to interact before I can see anything about that." Alice replied in a musical whisper.

When the bell rang, signaling it was time to return to class; Edward was relived to be away from the new girl and safely seated at his table in Biology. Much to his chagrin and slight panic, the new girl ended up sharing his table because the seat next to him was the only available seat in the class.

_**Twenty-three students and one teacher, I can take them all in less that ten seconds, of course then SHE will be screaming and that much adrenaline ruins a sweet meal. No, I need to find out who she is and where she lives; nobody will miss an orphan terribly. I can do this; I can talk to her, invite her out for pizza after school tomorrow. She may get her pizza but I'll get the best meal of my existence.**_

"It seems we have to share a lab table. I'm Edward Cullen and, you are?" Edward spoke quietly and hoped he wasn't too threatening to the girl.

"Isabella Swan but I prefer Bella." she replies shyly.

When it came time to take notes, Bella took a small nub of a pencil from her pocket and a sheet of grayish scratch pad paper and tried to cram as much information as possible onto the undersized piece of paper.

Edward handed her one of his pens and a proper piece of notebook paper. His hand grazed hers causing them both to retract their hands immediately.

"Sorry," Edward meekly apologized, "You seemed to need the pen and paper and I have extra of both."

"Thank you, you just startled me is all." Bella replied and blushed with a shy smile.

_**Okay, she really is struggling and why in the world do I want to help her at all? She seems very shy, if I just knew what she was thinking. Did she feel the energy between us? Why did that happen? NO! Impossible, she's human and my singer. Okay, so with the exception of Alice and Jasper did in fact choose human mates. Actually, every vampire I know except those two have changed their mate. **_

_**What am I thinking? I do not… yes I do want, no actually need a mate and Bella would be perfect. I could never deny being drawn to her, and now that's primarily to her blood but if I could let her live, we could be more and, I may eventually be able to hear her thoughts.**_

"Bella, can we talk after school?" Edward asked gently.

"Okay, if you want." 

Edward was anxious for the day to end and to actually have a conversation with Bella. Bella was nervous and wasn't sure she wanted to talk to the hottest guy in the entire school but, she had agreed and so would do her best. When the closing bell sounded, Bella met Edward outside the main entrance.


End file.
